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I mourn

I mourn the lost potential activities; the adventures we'll never have together.

I mourn all the things I'm not going to get to do with my mother because my parents retired too late.

I mourn the lost time.

I wanted to take her to Taste of Atlanta; wanted to take her to Cirque du Soleil; wanted to take her to the Atlanta Symphony Orchestra's Christmas concert.

None of those things will ever happen now. Until the last year, it was because the store was open and it never seemed to be a good time. In the last year, it was due to transitioning away from the store and the cancer treatment. In the last year, she told me she didn't think they were going to get to travel. Did she know? Was she telling me? Warning me? Or just voicing her own legitimate fears? I will never know.

What I do know is that cancer robbed us of all our plans. Cancer, and my father's reluctance to close the store. He knows he failed irreparably. I do not say this to him. I do not tell him. What good would it do? What would it change? Besides, I feel sure his own guilt attacks him during the Hour of the Wolf.

There's a reason the saying, "Do it now," exists. Because you might not have tomorrow.

We don't have tomorrows with my mom. Only yesterdays.

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Twin Peaks: Snoqualmie
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